It was a celebration, smoke filled the room, everyone was drunk, apart from me, I was a small child. My uncle was blowing smoke rings & I was catching them by poking my finger through them "I'll blow smoke rings when I'm a grown up, this is fun!"
The adults had stopped making fun of my shyness, they'd stopped laughing at my body, they'd stopped trying to get me to admit that I fancied my cousin, I didn't even know what that meant anyway.
The ordeal upstairs had also stopped. I had been molested by the boys, each taking turns to get into bed with me to touch me. My brother being both the ringleader & the first.
This was not a safe situation. I was not cared for.
This was an abusive situation, the only reality that I knew.
Once I was old enough to take care of myself I removed myself from this abuse, or so I had thought.
The truth was I was taking care of myself to the almost the same low levels. At age 47 I was still around alcoholics, I was still being made fun of, I was still being yelled at & put down by people who were pretending to love me, I was still around people who made me feel unsafe, I was still in that smoky atmosphere pretending that I was having fun.
It was a shock to wake up to the fact that I was neglecting myself, that I wasn't caring for myself, that I wasn't protecting myself, that I wasn't choosing good situations for myself, still.
So I took action, I removed myself from the toxicity. I started to take good care of myself, to be the parent for myself that I wish I had had.
The ways in which I find easy to take care of myself, my diet, exercise, they were all ways in which I was taken care of as a child. That has come "naturally" to me as a result of my childhood programming. It's the destructive programming that has to go.
Deciding on new boundaries & taking action on them, stepping away from what is not good for me is where I am at. The void. I know that the next step will come naturally when I am ready, when I am re-programmed, the stepping toward what IS good for me.
Everyday I'm meditating, I'm exercising, I'm eating healthily, I'm working, I'm reading, I'm going to bed early. I'm focused on the basics, the foundations of good self-care, focused on what I can do positively for myself. I'll let you know when the next step comes along.
Are you still caring for yourself in the same way, negative & positive, that you were cared for as a child?
Do you need to start to take care of yourself better?
I'm Claire Louise Hay, I help you claim your true power to manifest the life of your dreams through self-awareness and alignment with your higher self.
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