 For years, I centred men. Their needs. Their moods. Their availability. Their affection. Their mixed messages. Their potential. Their crumbs. I overgave. I over-understood. I made excuses. I abandoned myself in the name of love more times than I care to admit. And like many women who have done deep healing work, there came a point where I simply stopped. I stopped centering men. I stopped chasing connection that cost me my peace. I stopped trying to prove my worth through how much I could love, hold, understand, forgive, or tolerate. And instead… I chose me. My healing. My nervous system. My peace. My routines. My freedom. My happiness. My quiet mornings. My coffee in my favourite café. My beach walks. My work. My spiritual growth. My emotional safety. And now… apparently, my kitten, Mystic 😸💗 Honestly? For perhaps the first time in my life, I became truly happy. Not “I’ve convinced myself I’m fine” smiling happy. Actually happy. Peaceful. Regulated. Content. Whole. And from that place, I found myself saying something many women say: “I’d rather be alone.” And honestly? Compared to what I had experienced before… that felt true. Because when your history of love has involved chaos, self-abandonment, disappointment, emotional labour, hypervigilance, and giving far more than you receive… of course being alone feels preferable. Of course peace feels sacred. Of course your nervous system wants to protect it. Why would I willingly invite chaos back in? Why would I compromise the happiness I fought so hard to create? Why would I risk losing myself again? And then… I realised something. Maybe the deepest truth isn’t: “I’d rather be alone.” Maybe the truth is: “I’d rather be alone than lose myself again.” And those are not the same thing. That question landed hard. Because if I’m really honest? I don’t actually want to be alone forever. I’d rather be deeply in love. Deeply loved. Met. Chosen. Safe. Cherished. Connected. But only if it doesn’t cost me myself. And I think this is where many healed women quietly sit. Not unhappy. Not desperate. Not searching from lack. Actually happy. Actually whole. Actually deeply content in the life they’ve created. But perhaps carrying one unexamined protective belief: Being alone is safer than intimacy. And maybe for a season, that belief served us beautifully. Solitude became sanctuary. Healing happened there. Self-trust was rebuilt there. Joy was rediscovered there. But healing also asks us to question the stories we tell ourselves. Even the ones that once protected us. So now I’m asking myself: Is “I’d rather be alone” actually my truth? Or is it a protective story my nervous system tells me so I don’t have to risk what my heart still quietly wants? That’s not a question I’m answering today. But it’s a powerful one. Perhaps one worth asking yourself too. 💗 Claire Louise Hay
0 Comments
 Recently, I found myself completely depleted by a situation that technically had nothing to do with me. I wasn't directly involved, but people turned to me for the resolution. It wasn't mine to fix. I knew that. And yet my body reacted as though it was. I took it on! My nervous system was on edge for hours afterwards. I could feel my blood pressure elevated. I couldn’t shake it off. I replayed the situation in my mind. I slept badly. Even though, intellectually, I knew something very important: I was not responsible. These were adults. Their emotions were theirs. Their choices were theirs. It was theirs to resolve themselves. Their consequences were theirs to learn from. And yet… my nervous system had already stepped into a role I know far too well. Handle this. Fix this. Regulate this. Protect everyone. That was the real revelation. Because consciously, I no longer believe I am responsible for everyone. I have done enough healing to know that. And yet in that moment, my body told a different story. A much older story. The story of being parentified.
And that last one is the one that landed hardest for me: I don’t just help. I absorb it all. I'll catch the grenades that everyone else is throwing then swallow them like a cartoon super woman and hold the explosion inside of me so that nobody but me gets hurt. That was my survival strategy. And survival strategies can become incredibly sophisticated adult identities.
But beneath that capability can be a nervous system that still believes: If someone is dysregulated, I must do something. Even when logically, you know you do not. This is why insight alone doesn’t always create freedom. Because your nervous system doesn’t care what you logically know. It responds to what it learned was necessary for survival. And this is where so many hyper-capable women get stuck.
And yet when life happens? Their body still activates the old role.
Maybe this shows up for you as:
If this is you, please know:
This is exactly the kind of work I do inside Inner Child Reclamation.  Empaths tend to be over-givers & therefore attract people who will take take take. It's exhausting, so let me teach you how to change this pattern! The universe is always in a state of balance and when we are out of balance we attract people who are also out of balance but on the opposite side of that balance. Perhaps you believe that it is good to give give give, to be generous, and you're right, it is. But perhaps you also believe that it's not ok to receive, that it's not safe to receive, or that it makes you selfish to receive. When you pair these beliefs up, you have the recipe for an over-giver who doesn't allow reciprocation in. You might think that if you receive more, then that makes you selfish. But if you think of a scale, on one end of the scale you have those who are completely selfless, who will only give & never receive. On the other end of the scale you have completely selfish people, who only take & will not give a thing. In the middle there is balance. Those who allow themselves to receive as much as they give, those who know they deserve to receive as much as they give.  These people who are in balance, they can give more & when they do they start to receive more, because they allow it, because they believe in this balance. It is a form of self-love, to know that you deserve to receive. Now put yourself in the shoes of the universe. It's your job to match up energies so that everyone gets what they want. You have one person who only wants to receive & they want to give nothing at all, you also have another person who only wants to give & they want to receive nothing at all - MATCH! You will put those 2 people together because they are an out-of-balance match right?  How to receive more: 1. Change your belief system. It's no better to give than to receive. They are both good. Balance is best, 2. Change your expectations of receiving. Know that love is incomplete unless you include yourself in that, self-love. Expect to receive as much energy, love, etc. back as you give out in the world. 3. Hold back your energy in the non-reciprocal situations you have found yourself in. Stop doing it. Opt out. 4. Notice reciprocity. Allow yourself to receive from what you give. Charge for what you do. Ask for that raise because you work hard. Choose reciprocal people to engage with. When a situation is one-way, remove yourself from the dynamic. No longer be willing to supply the takers with what they are asking for: supply without giving.
 We often assume that others think and feel the same way we do, projecting our own qualities—both positive and negative—onto them. For empaths, this can be particularly risky, as it leaves them vulnerable to non-empathic individuals who may cause harm. Additionally, empaths might try to resolve conflicts using methods that work for them, which may not be effective with non-empaths.  Conflict between two empaths is inevitable—after all, we’re all imperfect humans. However, when both people involved are empathetic, they’ll approach resolution in a way that a non-empath might never consider, let alone be capable of. Conflict resolution might unfold like this: The hurt person expresses their feelings and seeks a resolution. The other party listens to their perspective and may share their own point of view. Through open dialogue, they work towards mutual understanding, eventually arriving at a resolution. This often involves an apology for hurt feelings and an agreement on how to prevent future conflict, whether through changed behavior, improved communication, or both. While this process can be challenging even between two empathetic individuals, it's nearly impossible when one person lacks empathy.  Empathy involves being attuned to and sharing another person's feelings, experiences, and emotions. For empaths, this comes so naturally that it's difficult for them to imagine life without it. However, some people simply lack this ability. Estimates suggest that anywhere from 5% to as many as 1 in 6 people in the world may have little to no empathy. So lack of empathy means being unaware of & unable to share another person's feelings, experiences & emotions. It stands to reason that conflict resolution is going to be very tricky with this kind of a person if it's possible at all. It's crucial for empaths to recognize signs of a lack of empathy in others and adjust their approach to conflict resolution accordingly. While you may initially try to resolve the issue in the usual way, even persisting despite the non-empath's resistance, there comes a point where you must accept that internal resolution is enough. Some conflicts simply can't be resolved with someone who lacks empathy, because the problem isn't yours to fix.  Resolution for the empath requires a different approach. It's about finding inner peace and reflection on the situation. This might involve accepting that boundaries weren’t set or enforced, forgiving yourself for not speaking up sooner, and understanding how you overlooked the other person’s lack of empathy. It could also mean examining why you may have chosen, or allowed yourself to be chosen by, someone like this and coming to terms with tolerating bad behavior in your life. For an empath, resolution involves deep self-awareness—recognizing how their own empathy may have compromised their well-being and learning how to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Instead of seeking forgiveness for the perpetrator, it's about accepting that forgiveness might not be healthy, because a healthy caution toward them is required, and forgiving oneself for any missteps. With this renewed understanding, the empath can develop a plan to identify harmful patterns earlier, ultimately reclaiming their power. This allows them to express their very valuable trait of empathy in a way that protects, rather than harms, their own well-being. Empathy for the self being included.  I owed myself the biggest apology for accepting what I didn't deserve. I was going through life accepting whatever life threw at me, presuming that everything was a positive match for me if it was right in front of me, having no discernment, making no good choices for myself. I was just putting up with what life gave me & I was often disappointed. I wondered why the universe thought I was a match to people who didn't respect me, who didn't treat me well. (watch this week's guidance video about letting go of the old stories about disrespect) When I had finally had enough of it & retreated back to myself, away from people, to get clear on what I wanted, it all became clear to me. In that alone time, which took months, when I took care of myself to the highest standard I have ever taken care of myself, I got clear on what I wanted & what I deserved in my life. You see I am great, I'm really great. I started to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with ME, with someone just like ME, to receive the love & care that I give in relationships. I started to imagine what it would be like to receive all of the love that I give out into the world back, to the same level, in my business, in my social life, in my relationships, from the whole universe. It felt so good that I was clear that this was what I wanted. If I exist, then other people that are like me exist. The universe doesn't ever make one thing alone & leave it to wither & die because it doesn't have more of its kind to reproduce with, to create with. This is nature! I waited, I was clear & I started making good decisions for myself, I started not only to say no to what I didn't want but to clearly show that I would not tolerate that disrespect. I was stronger in myself, in being myself, without caring about what anyone else wanted from me, because I knew what I wanted. Little by little I started attracting more of my kind & life has never felt so good as it does right now. Let go of your old stories of disrespect & tell your story of what you truly want then wait firm for it. What do you really deserve in your life? Tell us in the comments  I'm Claire Louise Hay, I help you claim your true power to manifest the life of your dreams through self-awareness and alignment with your higher self.
Want to work with me? Click here to find out how! |
Breakthrough . Break Free
Categories
All
Archives
July 2026
|
RSS Feed