be healing
  • home
  • shop
    • readings
      • the guidance reading
      • new moon
      • full moon
      • deeper dive readings
    • energy healing
    • breakthrough coaching
    • gift cards
    • meditations
    • books
  • blog
  • about claire
  • contact us
  • home
  • shop
    • readings
      • the guidance reading
      • new moon
      • full moon
      • deeper dive readings
    • energy healing
    • breakthrough coaching
    • gift cards
    • meditations
    • books
  • blog
  • about claire
  • contact us
Search

The night I chose death over going home

17/1/2016

1 Comment

 
It was a freezing cold night & I didn't want to go home. Home had turned into a place where I had no space, no sanctuary, just guilt & blame. I didn't belong in my house anymore but I stayed to make it easier on everyone else, easier for my ex, easier for my kids. I thought I could do it, sacrifice myself so that it was better for everyone else. Wasn't I the aware one after all, the one who could sort through everyone else's problems as well as my own, the capable one, the one who helps everyone else, the one who should help everyone else.

There I was walking the streets at midnight getting colder & colder until I started to die. Hypothermia was setting in. Thankfully a tax driver noticed that something was wrong with me, pulled me into his cab, warmed me up slowly, then wanted to take me home. I told him that I can't go home. He asked was I being beaten? Was I unsafe there? I said no, I just can't go home. He took me somewhere safe to sleep for the night.

Such was my discomfort in my own house, significant psychological trauma that I was subjecting myself to, believing that I could handle it as long as it made it better for everyone else, that I actually chose death over going home. It was a big wake up call. It was time to value my own wellbeing, not just everyone else's. The next day I made the decision to move out of my house & get myself an apartment. It would mean paying for 2 houses for a while, but I could afford it. It would mean facing the issue of shared parenting. It would mean actually acting on the decision I had made 3 months before that the marriage was over.

That decision was a life changer for me. Sure my life changed because of the physical change of address, sure I was happier & could start living again, but it was more than that, I had chosen to put my wellbeing first, I had chosen to look after myself. That was something I hadn't been taught to do, but none else was looking out for my wellbeing, so I had to be the one to.


Looking back I can see that I was the one who tried to make it easy for everyone else due to my feelings of guilt for making the right decision to end the marriage. I carried the guilt for forcing that change on 4 other people. I was the one who decided I would try to make it as easy as possible for everyone else, but that was an impossible task. It was always going to be a difficult process & I couldn't shield anyone from that. The moment I stopped trying was the moment that it got easy for me. It took me hitting rock bottom, facing death, to realise what I was doing to myself.

I've found that with every change in my life has come a process of grieving. Grieving cannot be avoided by trying to make changes have no impact on others. It just gets stored up for later as baggage. Change has to be faced front on, accepted & grieved for. We are all responsible only for our own part in that process. There's no way to avoid pain, as much as we try. There's no way to avoid causing other people pain without refusing to ever make a change again. But there is a way to make it easier, by putting our own wellbeing first, accepting the change & grieving for what has ended.

Today I grieved for myself, for me going through that crazy time 16 years ago, when I felt out of control of my own life. I grieved for the girl who put everyone else first. I grieved for the girl who felt bad about her decision instead of realising how courageous & brave she was actually being by facing up to the truth. I grieved for the girl who felt no value, that her own wellbeing wasn't important.

A part of me died on that cold night & it's a good thing.
Picture

​I'm Claire Louise Hay, I help you claim your true power to manifest the life of your dreams through self-awareness and alignment with your higher self.

Want to work with me?

Click here to find out how!

1 Comment
    Be Healing!

    RSS Feed

    Categories

    All
    Abundance
    Articles
    Belief
    Best Life Tips
    Boundaries
    Christmas
    Empowerment
    Flow
    Full Moon
    Intentions
    Joy
    Law Of Attraction
    Manifestation
    Meditation
    New Moon
    Numerology
    Positive Life Journal
    Receiving
    Relax
    Release
    Self Love
    Soul Mate
    Stress
    Success
    Take Action
    Vlog
    Worry

    Archives

    December 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    July 2017
    June 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    November 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    January 2012
    November 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    March 2011
    July 2010

terms & conditions
our privacy policy
frequently asked questions
© claire louise hay 2022

all prices are in australian dollars

contact us
  • home
  • shop
    • readings
      • the guidance reading
      • new moon
      • full moon
      • deeper dive readings
    • energy healing
    • breakthrough coaching
    • gift cards
    • meditations
    • books
  • blog
  • about claire
  • contact us