It was 1992, I had just graduated university in England, 8 month's pregnant & alone, I could no longer trust my boyfriend of 6 years so I had ended the relationship. I had finished a temporary job that I had taken because being a student before you get pregnant meant that you don't qualify for maternity benefits, only those who were unemployed or employed did. I had to work until they would no longer let me work.
After my son was born I got financial help from the government, it wasn't much but it was enough to live off for which I was grateful but I knew that things had to change. I just couldn't remain stuck in this poverty trap, I knew I deserved better. Little did I know that things were about to get much, much worse.
I applied for entry level graduate jobs & landed myself one. The wages only just covered my 1 room apartment rent & childcare costs. I knew I had to do it anyway to get myself out of this situation. I was determined to do whatever it took to set myself free, to have the income that both me & my son deserved.
What it took was: getting a pushbike & having a baby seat fixed to the back. Riding my son to the childminder, then racing the journey to work that would have taken anyone less desperate at least 25 minutes. Working a 7 hour day only taking a 30 minute lunch break. Racing back to the childminder because if she worked more than 7 hours she charged overtime rates which I didn't have. Getting us home to feed & bathe my son before putting him to bed. Eating white bread with a slice of ham & mayonnaise for dinner. It took me going from my usual 58kg down to 44 kg. It took me walking out of work slamming doors after asking for raise & being told that if I was "serious" about this job then I would put more hours in! (even though I told HIM about my situation) It took every ounce of my energy, fat, determination & will power, then I got a raise. The raise that allowed me to eat & for me to be healthy again instead of just making sure my son was healthy.
I shed a tear writing that, taking myself back there. They were the hardest of times. I am also proud of myself for those times.
That raise was the start of many. Over the next few years I not only earned plenty but I also invested wisely & grew my money significantly. 8 years & 2 more children later I left that same job because I had achieved everything society told me would make me happy & I wasn't happy. I had the money, I had the job which I only worked school term time so that I could spend time with my children. I had a few holidays a year. I had a new car. I had a big house.
I had it all, but I felt so empty inside. The life I was living wasn't fulfilling me.
I made a brave decision & gave it all up. I needed to follow a new path. I started meditating & got onto the path of a deeper more fulfilling life.
Unfortunately, for my financial wellbeing only, this path had me reading spiritual books that told me that I should be of service to others, that I shouldn't want things for myself, that this would happen naturally as a result of helping others. It didn't. It was a lie. Unfortunately I was around spiritual people who were abundantly challenged, who told me I shouldn't be doing anything for myself, that I would get my reward after I die (this sounds so ridiculous to me now it makes me laugh).
But laugh as I might now, I believed it all back then. I went from being wealthy to having nothing, literally nothing.
Because I love helping others with my gift this nothingness stuck with me for many years, only just getting by, thinking that if I just help others my reward will come some time, some time soon maybe universe, sometime before I have to pay this bill universe?
I was missing something fundamental, something that I had realised way back in 1992, that I deserved better, that I deserved financial plenty for ME, for MYSELF, for MY life, for MY enjoyment, for MY wellbeing, for ME.
I had spent years trying to barter with the universe, pretending like everyone else was more deserving than me "I'll help hundreds of people, just please help me pay this one bill" & I did! I was so depleted, surrounded by people that needed help, both in my professional life & in my personal life. It was exhausting. But still I didn't get that I needed to know that I deserved it, I needed to want it for ME
Every time I was guided to look at my reasons for wanting money the spiritual guilt would come out from hiding & I would try to find more righteous reasons for wanting the money "I'll give it away", "I'll help many people with it", "I'll help the needy" always thinking that everyone else was more deserving than I was.
These spiritual beliefs about money crippled me for so many years. I could clearly see when it had happened, when the money stopped growing & rapidly started to disappear, but I couldn't pin it down to the actual belief that had caused me to only just survive again... until I did.
In 2012 I published my first book "The Healing Path Within" I meditated to talk to my guides & said "Great! Now I can help millions of people!" my higher self said "Not likely, you won't allow the results of it back" That was a punch in the gut, but I knew it was true. Why would a book help when everything else I had done hadn't helped? So over the last 6 years I have focused on healing my abundance, on questioning my beliefs about abundance, on releasing past money memories, blocks & raising my abundance consciousness. The final step was to recognise that I deserve plenty for ME, for MY life, for MYSELF.
What beliefs hold your greater abundance away? Comment below
I'm Claire Louise Hay, I help you claim your true power to manifest the life of your dreams through self-awareness and alignment with your higher self.
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