 Last night was my first night with my new kitten Mystic, she's 8 weeks old and absolutely adorable. I found myself lying completely still so as not to wake her and some very old feelings rumbled up, uncomfortable feelings... Trying to be quiet, trying to not take up any space, it ballooned into the old familiar feelings of not being too much, not being an inconvenience. I felt like a little girl again, sleeping top to tail in my best friend's bed, needing to pee but terrified of making a noise, moving at all or waking anybody. My nervous system took me to all the other times I have felt this, minimising myself, being silent, trying not to be an imposition. All of those feelings came flooding back. I felt it all last night, it felt so familiar and so much lesser than the full me that I am now. I shed a tear as I felt the sadness for my younger self having been led to believe I was too much, that I didn't deserve to take up space, feeling like I was an imposition for just being alive.., so sad.  And caring for this precious little furry baby, who needs my almost constant attention, whether she is playing, or resting, she wants to be touching me, I am her home now, her emotional comfort. She was raised from 2 days old with her 4 brothers and sisters after losing their mother shortly after their birth, by my friend Nicky.
This little bundle of ferocious cuddles, of intense playfulness, of feisty fighting, in all of this: she is not too much, she will never be too much and she can be all she is, I'm here for her to hold space for her being all she is and so much more. I know deep in my heart that this presence and love is what I, too, deserved as a child. I can still feel how small that version of me was, how undeserving I felt, how unwelcome I was and ultimately how unloved I was. My heart breaks for little me feeling all of those big feelings all alone with no support. I can feel how familiar those feelings still feel in certain circumstances when I don't feel safe. These patterns don't just disappear, they sit underneath, deep within our nervous systems that drive us to continue to minimise ourselves when we feel we are under threat. This makes us very vulnerable to being manipulated by anybody who is capable and willing to make us feel even a little threatened or uncomfortable. This is the kind of thing we uncover and release in this month's special offer reading & healing: Clear what's coming up... it's for the moment when something keeps coming up, an emotion, a reaction, a heavy feeling you just can't shift or you want help shifting completely.
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