Our emotions hold our biggest clues.
I like to pay my bills as soon as they come in, rather than wait until they are due. It feels good to me to do that. I like when my customers pay their bills promptly too, that feels good.
I like feeling good, and so I make sure that I always pay them straight away to keep that energy going in my life.
This week I felt something that I had not really focused on before. I had an emotion when I payed a bill and it didn't feel good. I recognised that I always have this same emotion when paying bills, but because it didn't seem to make any sense I had been ignoring the emotion. It was very fleeting after all.
But this week I felt it and I decided to focus on it. The emotion felt bad. I allowed myself to feel it fully in order to put that emotion into words. It felt like I was being a naughty little girl and I would be told off for paying my bills!
What is that all about? I asked myself and I asked my guides. No answer came right away but as I chatted to a friend about it the answer popped up in the conversation.
A boy at school, Ryan, told me that he was getting a new BMX, I asked him what he would do with his old one, he said he didn't know. I asked could I buy it from him. He said yes. I had already saved up most of the money for it, from my pocket money, so I gave him that money and told him I would give him my next 2 weeks pocket money too and then he could give me his old bike.
I finished paying for it and on the day that he came to deliver it to my house, he turned up red faced with his parents. They wanted to talk to my parents. We both got told off for what we had done. No explanation was given for what we did wrong, we were just told that we shouldn't have done it.
I was confused. As a child I learned that it's wrong to pay people for things.
I still really really really wanted a BMX. So I started to save my money again (I hadn't got my money back from my previous purchase) and I bought part after part from my local bike shop and started to turn my shopper bike into a BMX piece by piece.
Apparently it was ok for me to buy things from shops, but not from other people.
Ever since being told off for paying for something that I wanted when I was a child I have felt like a naughty girl for paying anything to anybody. It didn't make sense. It still doesn't make sense. We must have hurt the adults egos for them to react in that way. It was about them, not about us.
Ryan and I weren't friends after that incident. We both hurt from it and felt bad to be around each other. There was more we lost that day than the security of knowing that it's ok to pay money to people, we lost faith in each other as well as ourselves.
Ryan died young before we ever got a chance to heal this between us, although I'm sure he was with me in spirit last week helping me to understand the experience we both had. Thanks Ryan!
This week's best life tip is to face your emotions, question them.
Don't let a negative emotion stay with you without the light of awareness being shone on it.
Named must your fear be before banish it you can. ~ Yoda
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