If you have followed me over the years you will know that I struggle to receive.
Being around abusive people in my formative years caused me to lack trust in people.
But my receiving issues ran deeper than this, in particular my mother resented everything she ever gave me or did for me. This caused me to not want to receive anything from anyone lest they resent me for it, because I knew just how much that resentment made me feel bad about receiving.
The crazy thing is this: stopping myself from receiving from others so that they don't resent me means that I have had to be the giver, the one doing everything not only for myself but for everyone else, which caused (you guessed it) resentment within me. It's impossible to give give and give some more without resentment because it is an our of balance state. In our attempt (my mother and I) to keep resentment at bay we were attracting it right to us and being it!
I've been working on this for some time. It's hard without a balanced role model to learn from, but I quite like these inner challenges.
This reluctance to receive meant that I took the caretaker role in all of my relationships and the world. I would take responsibility for everyone and everything and be firmly in control.
I had to stop my caretaker role at the same time as my partner stopped his lost child role, we worked on it together. I released responsibility for him as he stepped up his responsibilities. We supported each other and let each other know if we slipped back into old roles. We achieved more balance. We are a work in progress.
Then my son told me he was coming to live with me again. My partner forewarned me telling me that my son who is 20 does not need mothering (care taking) but needs a guide and that he would help me in releasing my old caretaker role with him. I braced myself: I knew that this was going to be hard for me.
I love having my son here. He came to tell me who he really is and I approve. I had no idea that he was too afraid to tell me (or anyone else) for many years, but he needed to come tell me first. He's got a gift not unlike my own and he has specific plans of how he wants to help people with it. I understood his fear of coming out as a mystic, it took me many more years than him to have the courage to do it. I didn't have a me in my life: I am glad that he does.
Having my son here pushes my buttons. I have felt the need to do everything for everyone for so long that stopping myself from doing this is hard and hardest of all with my children. I feel the need to physically remove myself from the situation. The stress I have been feeling has been intense. Now that I am stopping myself from taking responsibility and care taking, the stress is making itself known in a big way.
Here's an example:
My son said that he would make pizzas for us for lunch one day. He was going to grind the flour, make the dough, and all the rest of it, yum! My partner needed to eat at midday to be able to get to work on time. Usually I would make the lunch (we eat our main meal at lunchtime and our digestive system loves us for it) in plenty of time for him to get ready and get to work. Usually I am in control.
It was 11:00am and no preparation had started. I wanted to take control, so I went to my partner and asked what to do. He told me to go lie outside in the sunshine and relax. So I did. At 11:15am my son came outside with his book and sat down to read. I thought my head was going to explode. I couldn't stop myself "You know that Jarrod needs to eat in about 45 minutes right?" He settled down to read his book. I had a fight with myself in my head. My stress levels were through the roof. I went to see my partner and he listened to me. He reminded me that the worst that could happen is that he doesn't eat before he goes to work which is actually not my responsibility and it won't affect me. This is about my son and him and he's not worried about it so why should I? I breathed in. I breathed out.
This level of stress has been in me all of my life and I haven't felt it because I had a way of deflecting it, I had a coping mechanism, I could take responsibility for it all and not feel the stress, but it was there all along and the magnitude of it, when I really feel it, is scary. I hate to think of what it has been doing to my health.
My son asked me to help him because he hadn't left enough time to make the pizzas (you reckon?) and after a frenzied time in the kitchen we all sat down to rush eat pizzas before I took Jarrod to work.
I needed a massage, my back was hurting (not feeling supported by those around me) my neck was hurting (over thinking things, stress) and my shoulders were hurting (taking responsibility that isn't mine to take).
The massage was sooooo goooood. I was so relaxed afterward that I went home and lay on my sun lounger dozing. I realised that the real issue here was trust (again), that I had begun to trust my partner and I was getting better at that, and that I needed to learn to do the same with my son, because what do we do best as women and mothers? Give to them, nurture them and take way too much responsibility them. This disempowers children and adults alike. I always felt it was my role though, that I needed to do that to prove myself as a good mother. Breaking free of it is like breaking free of a drug dependancy (I would imagine).
I meditated on trust and realised that trust can be taken 2 ways.
I could trust that my son would get the pizzas ready on time and expect him to and open myself up to disappointment or I could trust that everything would happen perfectly for everyone, lessons and all, and avoid disappointment, instead hoping for a great outcome. The first is expectation-trust and doesn't feel good, the second is hope-trust and feels much better.
We got our pizzas in time. None of my stressing, fighting in my head and struggle made it happen.
So I'm learning to hope-trust my partner and son more and I'm getting plenty of practice!
For the last 3 weeks I have had the guidance to take a break from my work. I have been doing the bare minimum. I see where my guides are taking me now.
The very same trust issues have stopped me from receiving from my business, anyone else who had done the amount of work I have in the last few years, helping thousands of people, the webinars, the products, the launches, the books, etc. would be a millionaire by now, and I have known for a long time that I am preventing myself from receiving back from it because I struggle to receive.
As always the change starts within and then in the home and now I am extending that to hope-trust you, to hope-trust my business, to let go of my responsibility for the whole world, to let this be a team effort, to let go of the role I think I need to take to prove myself worthy and to let go of the struggle. I realise that when I have mastered this my business will set off by itself again. So I'm off to the pool now. Thanks for reading!
Do you take responsibility for others?
Are you a caretaker?
Are you ready to give up the role and allow yourself the experience of truly receiving?
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